Do you ever take the time to consider what fills you up?  You know, what makes you feel more fulfilled, happy, or at peace.

As I mature in years, I am grateful to learn who I am at a deeper level and what fills me up.

This past week I was reminded how important good conversation and friendships are.

About 2 years ago I was struggling with loneliness, irritability, impatience, anxiety and the list goes on.  I was pouring out but not really get filled up.   Anyone else ever been there? You just feel empty and not really fulfilled?

It may seem weird to those of you who know no stranger, but the isolation of a mom, work from home mom, or even a working mom can be intense.  I think many of us use social media to dull some of that pain but nothing beats a good conversation and friendship.

We all struggle and we will all struggle emotionally, but we can prevent some of that by not isolating ourselves.

GET CONNECTED 

We are all busy, but make the time to fill up this part of your life with some positive friendships and conversations.

Here are a few ideas for the busy woman to get filled up with friendships:

• Go pick up a friend for a drive or to run some errands with.  Car driving CONVERSATIONS are the best!
• Plan a girls night out, or potluck party!
• Invite a friend over for a meal
• Pick up the phone and call someone you have been thinking about
• Get your busy friends to download Marco Polo and commit to a conversation once a month.
• For those of us who have moved a lot, plan a ZOOM Wine or Tea Party with some of your friends or groups and have some fun questions, games or conversations.
• Go on a vacation or retreat with girlfriends. Even just a weekend or one day getaway can be a great recharge.

2. GET SOME SKILLS 
I had to get involved. I joined some homeschooling groups, a church, and started going to a small group (a group of people that meets regularly).  I made a point to connect with people every week having at least one deep conversation.   I also opened my home up during a holiday to extended friends–especially those without family nearby.  That was always crazy but lots of fun!

And guess what?  I felt filled up, at peace, adult, human, intellectual, important, and the list goes on.

3. GET CONNECTED 
You could say now my life consists of a lot of F’s.  FAITH, FAMILY, FITNESS/FOOD, FRIENDS, PHILANTHROPY, and FREEDOM.  Having these things has taken work, but the REWARDS are awesome.

Below is a post I wrote one day when feeling the sadness of starting the change of life.  Dozens of women came to encourage me with their advice.  Here is their comments.

Women in their 40s or 50s or older I could use your wisdom.

I woke up sad this morning about the “change of life.” You know–when we go from being able to have babies to not being able to carry babies.

It all started with my final acceptance that I need to get 👓 glasses.

Over 15 years ago I actually wore glasses but l I learned that super saturating yourself with antioxidants and using some other special Natural and Nutritional things can regain your eyesight. So I did all the things for 9 months and my eyesight improved and I didn’t need glasses for 15 years now.

But now my eyesight is really struggling and I realized it’s time to get glasses. I know this is also part of the change of life.

—————————–

When I started having Perimenopausal symptoms back in 2017 like Fibroids, irregular periods, and weight gain, I started using Natural things which I knew as a doc worked and they did.

Until 2020 when my choices put me 50 pounds overweight and things were bad again. So I reached out to to Dr Sherie Viencek who helped me curb some of my symptoms. Then this year I committed to releasing 50 pounds, and as of today, I am down 35 pounds of that 50 pounds.

So why am I grieving? 😢

This morning I realized–this is it. I am heading to this new season.

So friend how did you navigate this era of life? I would love some wisdom and maybe some encouragement as I travel down this road….

****So glad it will be 50lbs lighter though. ***

COMMENTS:

“Prayers for you in your next journey! I know you will find the wisdom you seek! Would also love to hear what you did to support your eyes!”

“See it as the natural progression. Maiden-Mother-Crone  Each is a stage. I’ve been in medical induced menopause for 4 years. I grieved the first year, I think that’s normal when things come to an end, but I’m freaking rocking it now. This is my stage and I own it.”

“My recent eye checkup revealed the beginning of a cataract. When I told the doctor he didn’t need to tell me that, the said that it was great – I am still alive! I had an early menopause due to circumstances beyond my control. It has affected my bones and other organs but I am still alive and functioning at full capacity – 69 years old and grateful to be alive for such a time as this. We were born for the time we are in.”

“’m not in that stage, but as someone who works with all sorts of grief- often it’s connected to identity that one owns in the stage. I would take time to write out the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself/identity in the stage you’re leaving. Write down any fears about the new stage. Take Scripture and replace the fears with truth. Sometimes we pick up guilt/shame in this process and walking through forgiveness for self is also helpful. Grief is natural any time we experience in met expectations – so check your heart for what those might be… if you ever want to chat further I’m open to that. Blessings in your transition.”

“Yes, I know I’m not old but I know I’m not young either. And that’s OK. I look up to people who enjoy life. People who are thriving and not just surviving. People who are just happy to wake up another day.”

“It’s kind of a wild ride at times but I for one don’t miss having a period. Hot flashes I can regulate pretty well with oils & herbs, same with sleep issues. It’s the anxiety that’s getting me though I am using herbs & oils. I feel best outside on a hike in the silent woods. Do what feeds & nourishes you and do it often. “

“I’m in my late 50s, so I’ve been through these changes too.I would do a Bible study on what God says about the mature woman. Find all of the blessings, and see the benefits and joy of being in this part of life. Let yourself know that you’ve earned it, you’ve walked through other stages with grace, and Father has so much for you to do as a blessing for other people who need your wisdom. He has a calling for the mature woman that no one else can fill!”

“You navigate it one day at a time. When I was about your age my eyesight did a 180, over time, and when I finally did something about it, the eye doctor said I now needed glasses for reading. No kidding!! And then went I went to renew my drivers license they gave me the eye test. She said, “take off your glasses”. I said I have always had to wear them. She said, “Just try it”, so I did. I no longer am required to wear glasses to drive! Love that. And now I can buy cheaper reading glasses. I’ve worn glasses since I was 11 and I’ve spent enough money on them. I was sad for awhile about not being able to have any more babies, too. That one took a long time to get past. It wasn’t awful awful, just sad, because being pregnant and having babies was (outside of the obvious) so wonderful. It’s one thing we’re made to do. But not the only thing. God has so many more things for us to do in this new season of life. Things that are much easier to do when our kids are older.I took Black Cohosh for hot flashes, and didn’t really do much else for it. I think I was one of the fortunate ones in that regard. I’m not good at giving advice about weight, though. Carbs are my downfall. You’ll have to get that from somebody else! God bless you!! You’ll get through it. Just enjoy each day. You know what to do to care for yourself better than most of us. (From someone old enough to be your mother  )”

“I have been in this transition for a few years. I look at the positive of it – releasing that I’ve had my children and now I don’t have to deal with the period. Grateful for every second it served me to produce my amazing children. I find ways to be grateful for my body regularly and what it does for me and how it’s served me for these many years. I appreciate what it still does to enjoy being with my husband. I’m still looking at how my body still does cycles, and tapping more into the spiritual cycles through the Hebrew calendar. It’s like it’s a time for me to move away from a physical cycle to the cycle that God created through the Hebrew time table. It’s helped me a lot to read A TIME to ADVANCE.”

“As a senior member of this group I certainly remember so many of those emotions. I had a total hysterectomy at 50 and my head certainly understood why but my heart was still holding out for that one baby that I could carry to term. Letting go of that hurt so I consoled myself with the prospect of better health once all those issues were resolved. But I do believe we should be allowed to grieve each stage in life without judgement or condemnation. And just like grieving for a loss of a loved one, we should have time to grieve the loss of part of our identity.You ate an awesome woman and I know you are truly able to find all in your life that is to appreciated and honored. Acknowledging those feelings is a very positive step in accepting this transition. As far as the go, they can add character to your face and at the very least prevent any Mrs. Magoo accidents from not being able to see. I wore them 4-14 then did not need until I was 45 and they were bifocals . Now they are trifocals lol”

“I look at your post and wish I could sit and have coffee with you!! This is what I know. Love yourself for where you are. Enjoy every moment you have with you family and friends.  Life is constantly evolving and as a woman we go through so much (obviously, not as bad as a man cold) but we are strong and no matter what might “fail” within our physical body our spirit and our knowledge will bless so many f I’m this point forward, just like it did in the past.”

“Positive thoughts bring good luck! I lost 35 pounds after 20 years. Turned 65 this year. Surrendered and live in the moment. I have no issues. Healthy, prescription free, accepting the ever changing self!”

“My experience is so different than any of my friends.. I went throw menopause before I was 40.. I had (name omitted) the month I turned 38. And I only had 1 menstrual after that.. The whole process didn’t impact me too much, since I felt blessed to have been able to have had 1 child.. in some ways I viewed it as a blessing.”

“You are always a mother. Your kids will need you into their 70s and 80s.”

“Congratulations on how far you’ve come. That’s awesome! I believe it’s not easy as we grow older and things change, like what you’re going through. I’m in my mid seventies and wonder every day how I got here. My body has gone through many changes, but it’s the mental state that’s important. For me, every day, it’s a choice to be happy with the person who looks back at me from the mirror. She doesn’t look like she used to look, but she’s content. I choose to do things that make me happy and that feed my soul. God has a plan for every life. Trusting Him has made all the difference every day for me. I will pray for peace in your heart.”

“This is a new season, embrace it and enjoy it. There are many wonderful things ahead that you never dreamed of. By the way.. glasses are the new cool. This is new learning ground. After you master one thing….time for the next wonderful stage. You are already headed in the right direction. New prosperity ahead Jeremiah 29:11”

“Still navigating…sometimes barely feel like I’m treading water and bobbing!! After years of hardly a change in my eyesight…I had cataracts and needed surgery (first surgery since giving birth almost 30 years ago!) It’s totally a struggle! Some days it’s worse than puberty! I try and stay in a state of gratitude that my body is just doing what’s it’s supposed to be doing…but seriously these cramps at 55 are just getting old!”

“I would encourage you to look at where you find your identity. Is your identity in child-bearing? Not wearing glasses? Being an “ideal” size? I’m 53. My body has been transitioning for the past few years. However, I was never able to get pregnant. I had a neuromuscular disease in my late teens and early twenties that left me totally disabled for 3 years, and on steroids and chemo for 12.  God did some miraculous healing, and things I never thought would happen, did. I was healed. I got married. I adopted two beautiful daughters. I have two incredible children from my husband’s first marriage, and six grandchildren! I’ve been overweight since I was six, and have perplexed the doctors who can’t explain why weight just doesn’t come off, even on liquid diets. Have I grieved? Yes. To some degree over each of those things. Grief isn’t bad, unless we choose to wallow in it. The two things that were most helpful to me were gratitude (find anything and everything to be thankful for. When I was totally disabled, I thanked God for nose hair that filtered the dirt and kept it from getting in my lungs.) and learning my identity as a daughter of the most High King and Creator of the universe. Learning that He adores me as his daughter not because of anything I can do (lose weight, walk, get married, bear children, etc.) brought such a deep peace and joy to my soul that it pushed away the lingering grief. It allowed me to look forward to the next season He has prepared for me. Go ahead and grieve. Cry. Shout. Get it out when you need to. Just remember that it’s not your dwelling place, and quickly move on. (Also recognize that hormones may be driving the feelings of sadness. Use your natural goodies for hormone support as well as boosting your mood. ) Progessence + was wonderful for several years. The past few months I had to up my game with Prenelone Plus cream, and just this week had to add in some Dragon Time. You will figure it out. It’s a new season, but a good one.”

“I hit menopause early. I’m 48 and got through it at least 2 years ago. At first I was thinking about the whole aging thing, like as in I don’t feel old but does this mean I’m getting old? But once I got past the IDEA of it, now it’s kinda nice not having to worry about getting pregnant at some later stage in my life. And I’m not old. I realize this now.  I will say that I need to learn more about how to stay healthy at this phase. I’m too busy right now trying to deal with getting mold out of my house and PANS out of my kids. I am next in line for me to figure out. I guess what I did figure out about this change is that nothing really changed. So for me I just had to give myself time to get used to the idea of it, and now I’m like Hey! I’m not even over the hill yet! Woohoo! I hope this helps Mary. Just let you be you. You are still you.  ps. I’ve been in bifocal denial for about 10 years. I do the peek under or over my glasses. I CAN’T bring myself to get them even though my teen daughter had a pair.” 

“I’m fast approaching my seventh decade, and still have those days when I don’t want to come to grips with the reality of life’s changes.  Congratulations on your weight loss!”

“There was a certain freedom that came with it. I focused on that. Made it easier.”

“I was excited to hit menopause. I had 2 great daughters and was fine with that. I got my period at 11 and it was always hard, heavy, painful, bloaty. I could not wait to say goodbye to all that, and trying to guess a good time for beach vacations etc., all the intricate event planning/timing. I was not sad at all.“

“My last cycle was the week before “the hospital” 12 yrs ago. I agree with your Mom. I never expected the liberation half a century brings. Cry when you want to cry. Call a friend who understands. Get in Nature and be here now where there is no concern. The past and future bring guilt, regret etc, future offers anxiety and dread. Here now, is where God lives. Be Now“

“I welcomed menopause. Because I bleed heavy all the time I had my period. So when it come knocking on my door I was very happy about it! And first I had some hot flashes that I did not like. But then Dr. Purser came out with the progrssence plus. And I started taking It everyday. And I have not had a hot flashes since! I have never stopped taking it. He said to take it until you leave this earth. So that what I plan to do. It alway makes me feel really good. And as far as eyesight I never had no change. I would do the things you did to help your eyesight when you got rid of your glasses. Also I would drink lots of NingXia Red and also eat the wolf berries. And take illuminates. And enjoy this new change in your life. Think if God would of never made this change in us. We would have had children forever and never stopped bleeding! I am glad he did this for us.”

“It could be just a hormone imbalance … I would recommend seeing a female gynecologist…I remembered I went through a similar situation and was getting very depressed…my doctor put me on a six month (vaginal) suppository and all was good…but that was many years ago so I’m sure the 21st century has many more solutions….but just talk things over with your doctor… and address your concerns now…good luck“

“Started perimenopause about 10 year before you. I am in my 60’s and still experience hot flashes. I took pregnelone 1st years and acupuncture and herbs like black cohosh and Chinese herbs. Went to many naturopaths and finally started compounded estrogen and progesterone. Take DHEA and use endoflex oil on ankle points for hormones. Have an appt. with a integrative doctor in 2 months to check my hormones and advise me. Some say it takes 20 years to get through this. Almost there.”

“Thoughts as I close in on my 70th decade. Menopause was early and abrupt through surgery. It took me a long time to realize as women we give birth our whole lives… not just physically. I hung on to grief. Now as I embrace more each day that I can still create and birth both spiritually and in the lives of others, I have found peace and purpose.”

“I’m going through this now… The irregular periods and a very big struggle with weight loss.. I’m up and down. And I literally have to eat bird food to loose weight and maintain it. It’s frustrating as hell. I’m very depressed about it. I don’t like this change of life thing.. I would be happy having my period every month… ( Never thought I would ever say that). And mine are bad when I do have them.. I’m not liking this part of life.”

“I’m 54, had a hysterectomy in my 30s. Saying goodbye to one season of life is hard, but learning to embrace the new season is a gift. It’s okay to take time to grieve…. you are human after all! I hated glasses, but I realized that they hide my eye bags and wrinkles! I hated coloring my grey hair…so I stopped and realized God gave me free silver “fairy hair” strands that are all the rage. I saw my aged skin doesn’t take makeup like it used to….so now I have a simpler routine. I have the gift of living a long life. I have wisdom, experience, and that is of greater value than rubies. Someday, our faith will reward us with imperishable, unblemished, new bodies in Christ….and I love that! Until then, I am making the best of this world and this over 50 body, lol!”

“Embrace where you are..who you are… The journey you are on is growth it’s a beautiful thing. I struggle but for different reasons. The loss of breast, scars from port, 50lbs of weight gain from meds, but again I have to embrace where I am and know I am here for a purpose .. we all grow older in different ways with different experiences along the way even in our younger years. Most important thing for me is to try and embrace it , make an impact , and you my beautiful friend are so amazing at reaching out and helping others through their journey. Continue to share.. it’s a beautiful thing .. and you are amazing inside and out. Congratulations in your sprouts. Love it…”

“This wonderful time of life will bring its gift. All seasons bring new wisdom “

This word Neurotypical came into my life when my son was 10 years old.  It sounded weird and confusing but after a few months I started to understand.  See I have 2 kids, one who is Complex and one who is Neurotypical.  My Complex son is 3 years older than his Neurotypical sister.

Neurotypical means neurologically typical individuals of typical developmental, intellectual, and cognitive abilities.   It is usually used to decipher between those with “normal”  development, intellect, and abilities and those who may be labeled autistic,  “on the Spectrum,” those with Sensory disorders,  ADHD, and more.  

Complex is a term I first learned about from www.ImpactParents.com and I really like it.  It doesn’t have the stigma of saying my child has ADHD, “is on the Spectrum” or Autistic.  It’s a term for anyone who doesn’t have that normal “Neurotypical” Development.  

One more term to understand that may help you or a child you love.   

EXECUTIVE FUNCTION: here it is defined straight from understood.org Child Learning Disabilities 

Executive function is a set of mental skills that include working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control. We use these skills every day to learn, work, and manage daily life. Trouble with executive function can make it hard to focus, follow directions, and handle emotions, among other things.  

Now one more thing to understand is that those with Executive function challenges will be easily 3-5 years behind their neurotypical peers in Executive function development which can overlap into their actual learning and of course maturity.  

So let’s try to understand what that means to my family and my kids. 

Complex son with ADHD (or what I like to call the Brilliant Creative Amazing people) struggles to read at a 2nd grade level at 10 years old, he has frequent meltdowns over small things, loses self control, and can only focus for short 10-20 minutes at a time.   

Half day group classes like in a school setting will wear him out.  He will get pale and a glazed look on his face after about the 90 minutes to 2 hour mark where you can see he has had enough.  

Did I mention that from 6-10 that myself or someone else would have to be in our Homeschool group classes 2 times a week otherwise…I remember that one time when he decided to put his paper in the fire science experiment and almost caused a fire…SELF CONTROL is missing.  

And now, add in growing, hormones, and puberty and the typical boy who already maybe doesn’t have the best judgement…well my neurotypical kid it’s even more of a battle.  We laugh about most of them and correct of course,  and many times the consequences lead to course correction like the time he decided to eat the entire pineapple we cut up after a large meal…his 2 hours in the bathroom seemed to correct some of that overindulging behavior.  

Social skills were not innate and had to be learned and “Schooled” with some Occupational Therapy.  But that has improved over the years.  Still a work in process. 

I remember when he started singing “Kiss the Girl”  to our then 8 year old friends daughter, not really understanding how weird it was.  Or when he started saying “OH I am in love”  or other lines he learned from the Nickelodeon show “Bunked” to girls in his classes….Let’s just say that show has been banned and about 3 months of course correction done.  

But my Complex son comes with so many amazing things too.  People love his nature, he cares, gives incredible compliments, is loving, has an incredible imagination, has an incredible memory and can give a cute presentation,  can hear a song once and harmonize the music, draws all the time although still at a 6 year old level it’s improves yearly and that right there I could cry over. 

Now my “NEUROTYPICAL”  daughter:  

Loves school, somehow taught herself to read overnight, well not really, she had about 1 year of phonics and 3 years of listening to brother’s lessons.   At 8 years old she walks around the house with books like the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.  She makes friends pretty easy and understands what is appropriate and not appropriate.  Can follow directions well, stays on task, loves homework, and for the most part is “normal”. 

But I will say when she turned 8 and we had seen those same weird behaviors in my son like “Kiss the Girl.”  She, too, started having some poor judgements, weird outbursts, and moodiness.   So now I understand how hormones play a role in development too better.   

So during this 11th year of my son’s life I am crying less, worried less, and encouraged more.  I understand that he is not the same as his “Neurotypical friends.”  He does have challenges, he is Complex, but now I have the knowledge and thanks to Impact Parents I am gaining the skills to help me, our family, and our son deal with it all. 

If you have a kid or are an adult with Complex issues I encourage you to check out Impact Parents.

Thanks for listening a little bit about my struggles and victories.  I pray for your parenting path and success and hope my words can help someone out there struggling too.  

Lots of Love,  

Mary Starr – The Total Wellness Doc & Mom 

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Do you ever get tired of looking at social media posts that just show “the best of”?  You know that perfectly posed shot, the perfect sunlight that tricks us into thinking we don’t have wrinkles, the perfect family pose, the cute outfit pose, the vacation highlights, the date night “happy couple” pose, the check out my new (fill in the blank), the cute kids, the new furniture, the perfectly staged essential oil picture, or the funny meme, the “look at all the weight I lost pose”  and of course the perfect food picture or video.  Seriously, are you tired of it?

Maybe I am a little jaded lately because I am over my head in laundry, an unending task list, feeling bad about losing 15 lbs prior to COVID lockdown and gaining 20 lbs during.   So I apologize as I vent my views.  I guess I want to vent but I also want you to know that your life is real and maybe you feel inadequate to even post anything or do a live story because you feel less than.

I remember a few years back a woman came up to me and told me she loved my social media videos because I was so different from the others who wore their fake eyelashes and full makeup for every video…she said you are just real.   Then somewhere along the path I stopped being real.  I bought full coverage makeup, hid my zits, got better lighting and turned on the beauty filter.   I don’t mean to be fake and I don’t mean for you to feel like you can’t post a picture of you in glasses, and 2-day no shower hair when you really would like to share.  Social media is welll……

A place that can lift us up, bring us down, kill us with comparison, encourage our dreams, help us stay connected with our friends, family and colleagues, and drive wedges between us over our various views.   At the same time, I have to say I am grateful I am able to use social media as a tool.  A tool that helps to encourage others, keep us connected, build business together, and improve the lives and health of others.

So I will continue to put on makeup because it’s professional and honestly it makes me feel good to look good.  I will begin again to release my sugar and comfort food weight, but remember for every “highlight” pose you see is my “real life struggles and normal life” so don’t shy away from sharing.   I am here to encourage your life by maybe seeing some of my highlights, messages, and the desire I have for you to live your “FULL LIFE.”

God Bless you friend,

Mary Starr  (picture is makeuped, and perfect natural lighting reducing my wrinkles by 40%)