I had first started trying to commit suicide at the age of 8. I told one of my parents and was blown off. At 17 I became emotionally non-functioning. I had lived most of my childhood in states of deep dark depression and anxiety with no one to talk to or get help. I began meeting with a counselor and asked her if there was somewhere she could send me so I could get away from the madness. I spent a month, at my request, in a treatment facility for emotionally troubled youth. I was no longer the weirdo outcast living some odd life.

Beth Tolliver was abused as a child and suffered silently. Until she took matters into her own hands and checked into a treatment facility at the age of 17. Though she attended church, sadly the pastors were not trained to handle severe traumatic issues and recovery.

She said, “There were times that I received great help from reading Scripture, and there have been times that I hurt so badly I couldn’t even touch my Bible. I humbly asked God to understand and for grace. The most help I got was from reading Christian “self-help” books. This became, and still is, a huge part of my healing journey. The first book I read as a teenager, that I bought with my own money from my first job, was called Search for Significance.”

It was hard to read the Bible and being close with God while witnessing her church-going Christian abusive parent and compliant parent reading the Bible every day and watching Christian TV. It caused a lot of caution and apprehension in her about God.

Could you imagine a child seeing an abusive parent reading the Bible at night, then inflicting terrible abuse on the kids? Wouldn’t this cause a lot of confusion, caution and apprehension about God?

It was difficult for Beth to understand. She was very scared of God and thought He put her there to be punished for being a ‘bad person.’

When asked what caused the paradigm shift in her life, Beth said there have been a few paradigm shifts in her life but the first was at age 17 when she was with a group of peers who were all dealing with troubled backgrounds in the treatment center.

Some of these kids had it worse than she did and some had parents who didn’t even want to visit them and didn’t want them back. Most were sexually and verbally abused.

At the treatment facility Beth had an eye opening experience and was able to process the years of repressed emotions. Most importantly she was told she didn’t deserve the abuse she suffered. She had a heart to heart encounter with God, a place where she was free to talk to God, not being judged or told to get over it. She received the assurance that there is a better future for her life.

Though the pain didn’t disappear right away, her faith and relationship with God gave her hope. Her parents were divorced by this time, but she was still having consistent contact with her abusive parent and that made healing virtually impossible.

She said, “I was living with the compliant/co-dependent parent; not being physically abused anymore, and not being sexually abused by another relative anymore, but still living with someone I consider guilty by association for letting the abuse happen and, at times, participating in it. It was a very suffocating environment where that parent just wanted to move on like nothing happened.“

Another huge paradigm shift was after she got married. Her husband was responsible in helping her see how unhealthy her relationship was with some family members. She learned to set boundaries. Living with boundaries had helped her discover peace and an emotionally healthier lifestyle.

Beth said, “At some point you have to realize that it is them, and not you. You are only responsible for your own health and well-being. You are not responsible for everyone’s feelings or making everyone happy or making everyone understand you.”

It was freeing. She realized the importance of placing her husband, son and her own well-being as her priorities.

Our conversation continues…

How does a faith-filled life look like for Beth now?

A faith filled life now looks good, but broken at times. I have found my own voice. I no longer have to keep silent about what happened to me to protect the images of the responsible parties.

I now know that God never wants people to be abused, violated, manipulated and controlled.

I stop putting so much pressure on myself, but have slip ups with that. I can never be perfect enough to make God happy or to fix everything, which is great because HE NEVER ASKED THAT OF ME!

If I could do it on my own, if it was all about me, then Christ would be completely unnecessary.

I still have continued struggles with fear that God will abandon and forsake me. I still have fears that God will not help me, particularly when I’m having a panic attack or severe anxiety (things I still deal with now in my late 30’s).

I used to have terrible fear that if I weren’t perfect, God would take everything and everyone away from me.

How does she get through these ‘struggles’?  

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I choose to trust, especially when it’s hard.

Do you still suffer from the lack of faith? If yes, what areas of your life?

Here’s the truth: I don’t know how to parent correctly because I wasn’t parented correctly.

I rely heavily on God especially when it comes to anger and fear. I struggled deeply with fear and anxiety of being a parent when I was pregnant and for the first year of my son’s life.

I was terrified of messing him up and hurting him. I had nightmares and PTSD that was exacerbated from a church we attended for a while. I still have my moments with that but it really gets better with time and walking through it with God’s help.

When I have a rough day, I give myself extra grace and self-care.  There are days I have to get my husband on the phone and just talk it out.

Sometimes I sit and read, or I watch a TV show that is calming or uplifting. One of the best ways to combat fear is to focus fully on the present moment and find a way to laugh!

A faith-filled life means I don’t pretend that I’ve never walked through hell in my life. Being healed doesn’t mean pretending you’ve never suffered. It means you use what the enemy meant for evil and turn it around for God’s good!

It means writing about my life on the blog, sharing my testimony with those who need it. I find more healing by helping others to heal; by pointing them to the peace they can have in Christ. Opening up the dark places of my life is extremely hard, but I feel so much peace when I do it.

Being silent will keep you struggling and unwell. I finally found a church that I know is where I belong and that I am thriving in. It is a place of faith and freedom. I can feel myself getting healthier every time I go to service. I’ve come to know that healing is a choice to receive a gift offered from God.

Here are Beth’s thoughts on how to speak life into a negative situation:

I am a singer and love to worship, so I literally worship my way through negative circumstances. I speak life into those things and into myself as I worship.  When you keep focusing on yourself, your problems and shortcomings, you can become immobilized with fear and panic.

During worship, I focus on Him as the answer to all things. He is everything I never had – it makes me cry just thinking about that.

When I sing, all I see is me and Him together, in a garden of peace. A couple of years ago I went through terrible trauma when what I call my main abusive parent was found dead. There was never an apology offered for the abuse and I had spent my whole life having to parent this parent.

My body began to have uncontrollable panic attacks. During this horrible time, I would keep sermons playing in the house and literally walk back and forth in the living room screaming out that I am not garbage, God loves me, the enemy will not have my life.

God will give you victory but girl you have to fight!!!  

You are not destined to repeat your past.  You are not destined to be an abusive parent.  You are not destined for torture. There are so many days I have put my son down for a nap, or just take a break and go to my bedroom and speak out loud that I am not where I came from. I tell my son I love him all the time and I know he will never grown up not having heard that he was loved.

I was grown and married before either of my parents told me they loved me. Loving my son intentionally is life giving to everyone.

Beth’s mission is to encourage those who have gone through the rubble of child abuse and poor health to rebuild a life that is thriving and not just surviving.

Here are 5 helpful tips from Beth to help you build your faith and banish fear-

1. If you need help, there is no shame in getting it. It’s the strong who get help, not the weak. You are not weak for having problems! I know what it’s like to have to put on that church face. Please hear me when I say God is waiting to help you.

2. You are not living in the past because the past still hurts you! These are all lies of the enemy. The church world in general is very uncomfortable with abuse and trauma. And are generally ill-equipped in helping in those areas.

3. Find a certified counselor who is trained in trauma and abuse recovery, do what you can to utilize their services. I NEVER counsel with pastors anymore and will not unless they are trained to help in this area. I’ve gotten more hurt than help by getting poor, but well-intentioned church counsel.

4. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety or panic, there is no shame in taking medication if you need it. I can tell you there are essential oils that have helped me with anxiety. The emotional stress you’re under is depleting your body of nutrients. Make sure you’re getting lots of B vitamins and magnesium. That has helped me a lot, as does a good cardio workout.

5. Whatever help you need, whatever help works for you, do it!  You owe it to yourself and your family.

Beth Tolliver has been married to Dean for 14 years and is a mom to a precious 3.5-year-old son. Beth’s mission is to encourage those who have gone through the rubble of child abuse and poor health to rebuild a life that is thriving and not just surviving.

Connect with Beth Tolliver at www.thethrivingmom.com.

Disclaimer: This information is not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. It’s strictly for informational, educational, or entertainment purposes ONLY. The products I talk about are not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. Any information I give you about them is for informational or entertainment purposes only. They have not been evaluated or approved by the FDA. Please seek the qualified health professional of your choice when making health decisions for yourself, your family and your pets.

From going homeless to being able to have her own home…this is a journey of a mom of faith who believed and walked through the fire. She is now debt free and is able to provide for her two children and live with a ‘kingdom mindset’.

Change can be difficult but a change that includes uncertainty and the possibility of being homeless with two children is unimaginable. Why did she leave? For her children and her safety and sanity.

Penny LeClair left a very destructive marriage with her two children feeling depressed, full of fear, angry, broke and…was homeless. She went from living in a three-bedroom two-bath home, with two cars, hot tub, and camper kind of life to living in a 9X10 room in her parents’ house.

With only clothes and a set of bunk beds for her children Penny had no money and worked only 12 hours part-time to support her children and herself.

What does it take to switch things around?

According to National Alliance, to End Homelessness:

Domestic violence is the immediate cause of homelessness for many women. Survivors of domestic violence are often isolated from support networks and financial resources by their abusers, which puts them at risk of becoming homeless. As a result, they may lack steady income, employment history, credit history, and landlord references. They also often suffer from anxiety, panic disorder, major depression, and substance abuse.

What makes Penny different from the statistics?

Before Penny left her home, the spirit of fear was lying and tormenting her. She felt unworthy, useless and that she would never amount to anything. Fear was taking a hold of her life.

Until one day being led by the Holy Spirit…

She started reading, confessing and meditating on scriptures that the Holy Spirit had prompted her to print out. Penny used the Word of God to fight the spirit of fear. She started confessing who she is in Christ. The Word of God caused her to believe and had the courage to leave her home and venture into the new.

I asked Penny to describe what a faith-filled life looks like and to describe fear.

She said:

A faith filled life is… knowing and believing what God’s word says is true with confidence and then acting on it. 

Fear is something I have dealt with most of my life.
Fear is the root to every problem a person can have.
Fear is a spirit that brings torment and the only antidote is to allow God to perfect us in his love through the truth of His Word.

When we know that God loves us with every fiber of our being fear cannot step foot in our lives. (1 John 4:18)

Is it always perfect?

NO, but I finally have recognized when the torment of stress, anxiety, depression, sickness and lack are at my door, I have allowed the spirit of fear to come in through my thoughts and I have forgotten how much God loves me.

Does she still struggle with the lack of faith?

I do not believe I lack faith. What I believe happens is that I have not strengthened myself in an area with full confidence in God’s Word. This leaves me to have unbelief and faith mixed, making me a double-minded person and the Bible says such a person is unstable in all their ways.

The antidote for a double-minded person is to strengthen their faith daily in the Word of God. Faith comes by hearing of the Word of God, and building confidence in the Word of God instead of Satan’s lies. 

Penny told a story of the father of the boy who was demon possessed in Mark 9 who said I believe, but Lord help me with my unbelief. 

Do you struggle with unbelief?

Penny spent two years trying to find a place for her children and herself. It seemed hopeless. She was told she needed to get help from welfare. During that period of her life she was spending time renewing her mind – declaring “who she is in Christ and about her finances”.

The Word of God changed her mind and life. Going on welfare was not the answer to her problems and she refused to give in or give up. Instead she chose to believe in the Word of God and follow the lead of the Holy Spirit.

One day while praying, during her homeless situation Penny was led by the Holy Spirit to place an ad in the newspaper looking for a house to rent. The Lord specifically had her wrote everything down – what she wanted and needed in the house. Including the furnishing, kitchen appliances and the amount needed to pay for everything in a month.

At that time she had nothing but $1,000. Would that be enough to pay for the deposit and her list of things? God in his unique ways prompted Penny to give half of the only money she had to a mission trip at her local church.

She faced a huge battle. What if she didn’t have enough money to pay her rent and purchase everything in the list? Until God spoke, “Really, Penny? Are you going to get a house and everything you need with that $1,000?”

Penny realized $1,000 was not going to pay for all her needs and she had to believe in God’s provision. She finally gave in and gave half of the money away.

She said:

We need to ask God for his grace to help us with unbelief, we are not perfect beings, but Jesus is and has completed it all for us.

One week after the placement of the ad, she received a call from her current landlord. He said, “I wasn’t going to rent this house, but I saw your ad!” (God’s favor!) Long story short, they made arrangements for her to see the place, she gave him the deposit and the place was hers.

A month later she received more favors when the landlord remodeled the bathroom, put in all new windows and carpets. She moved into a home on a little over an acre of land surrounded by woods, pine trees and enough room for her children to run and play, exactly what she had written down.

The good news is when she took a step of faith, God opened doors and more doors where opened when she obeyed and relied on his strength and provision.

Imagine this: the day after she paid the deposit, Penny received a promotion at work!

She had more favor!

Now her job gave her the provision to pay her monthly bills with some leftover. She was given everything she needed. Her new home is even better than the old. After five months of sleeping on a fold out couch in her living room, a friend she had not seen for 20 years heard about her situation and gave her a pillow top bed.
Penny recalled:

When I needed something I would go out to the garage or attic and I would find what I needed. God knew everything I would need before I did. Did I do it in perfection, no, but Jesus did. I just kept my eyes, and heart on what His Word said and it happened.

God continues to bless Penny and her two children. After three years of living in her rented home she listed the following blessings:
● I have seen God supply my needs over and over
● We have never gone without, even when it looked like we would.
● He never let us down.
● I am now debt free by using God’s principles on debt cancellation
● And have been given the opportunity by my landlord to purchase my home with him holding the mortgage.

Praise God for his favor, grace and provision. At the midst of chaos and confusion Penny found Young Living Essential Oils. Today her business with Young Living provides another source of income for her and her family.

I asked Penny to give us tips on how to live a life of faith instead of fear. Here are 8 tips:
1. When fear tries to rear its ugly head, boldly cast it out until you have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
2. Use the Word of God meditating and confessing the truth submitting yourself to God first, resisting the devil, so that HE HAS TO FLEE! In other words, come into agreement with God’s Word over Satan’s lies and when that happens, powerful things happen.
3. Renew your mind to God’s word in the areas you are lacking, meditate on those scriptures until they become a revelation to you.
4. Learn the principles of reaping and sowing, tithing and giving
5. Get into a good Bible faith teaching church
6. Find one person who believes as you do and pray in agreement for what you are needing
7. Follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and build your confidence in God’s Word DAILY knowing it will not return void.
8. He is truly the source of everything we need!

Penny has gone from homeless to a homeowner. She is passionate about equipping, encouraging and helping others transform in spirit, soul and body. Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1) Are you struggling with fear? Connect with Penny today and be blessed by her article on Powerful FREQUENCY Combination for Healing. 

Disclaimer: This information is not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. It’s strictly for informational, educational, or entertainment purposes ONLY. The products I talk about are not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. Any information I give you about them is for informational or entertainment purposes only. They have not been evaluated or approved by the FDA. Please seek the qualified health professional of your choice when making health decisions for yourself, your family and your pets.

How does one survive the darkest moments of life and find ways to live again? Mary Anne Zani weathered many tragic and traumatic incidences and has emerged with a new sense of purpose and zest for living. She is a single mom, a fibromyalgia and cancer survivor, has a loved one still in the Missing Person list, experienced death of her mother, mother-in-law and aunt – all within a year.

How did she rediscover life?

I asked Mary Anne this question and this is what she said:

I learned not to take any part of life for granted. It is important to tell my family and friends that I love them. Each person’s life is a gift from God. There are blessings in life no matter how grave a circumstance is.

I also believe that our experiences benefit and help others going through similar hardships. I have learned to live one day at a time and that it is okay to have days where I feel grief. I get in touch with it, pray and let it go. My family’s lives have been turned inside out and through it all God is with us.

Mary Anne is a mom of faith. She has raised two wonderful children who have also discovered their own purpose in life. Her son Andrew is a fitness and personal trainer and her daughter, Angela Marie is a senior in high school.

As a mom I know living by faith is easier said than done. So how does a faith filled life look like for Mary Anne?

Mary Anne said:

Living everyday to the best of my ability as God would have me live is how I look at a faith filled life. In the course of a day, I am in communication with God. I start my day with meditating on a daily spiritual reading that includes scripture passages to reflect upon. Sarah James’ book, Jesus Calling consists of daily devotions.

The themes are focused on thankfulness and trust. Making the best possible choices throughout the day and realizing, I do not have to necessarily like what I must do, take care of or what is in front of me in any given situation.

I need to just do the next right thing. I turn to God and say, “I don’t like this or that, please help me to accept things as exactly how they are in this moment. “

The practice of acceptance is applied through reading a little booklet, Acceptance, the Way to Serenity and Peace of Mind by author Vincent Paul Collins.

The Bible, books and stories of overcomers are ways most moms of faith fight the good fight of faith and live a positive lifestyle. Of course oppositions like fear would always like to derail us.

Mary Anne still suffers at times with the lack of faith especially when there is a lesson. She continued:

I may withdraw and tend to isolate. I go within my head. The mind can be my best friend or my worst enemy. There is a process for letting go and letting God. Life flows when I surrender to God’s ways.

My mind can go to lower frequencies meaning any feelings of anger, frustration, jealousy, hopelessness, and fear can be debilitating. Although these feelings are part of the human condition, it is what I choose to do with them, and how long I choose to stay there. I do have to feel the feelings and let them go. The times I feel like I cannot pray, I realize I do have a prayer; one word, “Jesus.” I call upon the name of Jesus.

We have to admit that life is not always a bed of roses. How do we speak life to a negative situation? Mary Anne’s answer to this question:

This question is based on how an individual perceives a situation. We all have biased perceptions. God is in each situation, both negative and positive. I cannot come up with a perfect solution to a negative situation. God has perfect solutions in God’s timing.

I do what I can and God takes care of the rest. The answers will come through prayer and patience. The importance of being gentle with ourselves and with others is compassionate and loving. The Saint Francis prayer speaks to the contrast in life.

Mary Anne’s life was dramatically changed from working in an administrative position in an Ivy League University to becoming a divorced single mother financially bereft and physically disabled. When she was diagnosed with Stage III colon cancer, her children were just nine and eleven years old. Her ex-husband went missing the day after her 21 days in the hospital. His car was found abandoned in another county.

She experienced tremendous health and financial challenges – from one tragic incident after another and the moment she had to tell her young children that their dad was missing. To this day, he has not been found. It was during the six months of aggressive chemo treatments that she found Young Living Essential Oils.

In her own words:

One day a dear friend anointed me with Frankincense oil and immediately I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. I intuitively knew that the oils would be life saving and life giving. She visited with her son who was a support to my children. My children also used the oils that raised their frequencies.

I asked Mary Anne if she could give a few suggestions to moms who are struggling with health, emotional and mental issues. Here are Mary Anne’s tips for living a life of faith:

1. Each person has his or her own path. I encourage women to find their voice within their bodies, mind and spirit connecting to creation. Many of us have been told what to think and how to feel.
2. Find your truths. I am divinely created in the image and likeness of God. Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book, A Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, assists in looking at the self and moving from an ego consciousness and group consciousness to a global consciousness.
3. The idea to look at him, her or them without judgment moves us toward love. We are all created in the image and likeness of God. Honor each life even if you see a person who doesn’t dress as you dress, talk as you talk, live as you live.
4. Love everyone and hate no one. An example is my children have tattoos. Many young people have tattoos. I used to cringe when I would see them on other people. I acquainted tattoos with the dark side of life. I did not know much about them. I have come to the understanding that tattoos are an expression and an art form. Without expression we have depression. The message and gift for me is to express myself, otherwise the outcome is depression.
5. In the past few years I am learning more about life than I ever expected to know.  I consider myself an observer. I tell myself. Just observe. See how I feel, and ask myself, is there a lesson in this for me? What is the gift? The gift is the process of the letting go and letting God.
Each of us, including each child has a Higher Power. Children need to have their own experiences and find their own truths. I have guided my children and now release them as young adults.

Please listen to this 50 minute recorded interview to find out more about Mary Anne Zani’s passion and future endeavors. Mary Anne is passionate about helping others find hope:

http://www.marketingscents.com/replay/AI-CB-CCGDFIA-ACAJFJ

You can connect with Mary Anne at http://www.millegrazia.com/

Disclaimer: This information is not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. It’s strictly for informational, educational, or entertainment purposes ONLY. The products I talk about are not meant to diagnose, prescribe, treat or cure any illness or disease. Any information I give you about them is for informational or entertainment purposes only. They have not been evaluated or approved by the FDA. Please seek the qualified health professional of your choice when making health decisions for yourself, your family and your pets.